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Walls

October 13, 2007

“You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine” (Psalm 4:7).

I’ve decided to be honest today. Honest about the reality of my prayer life. The last few months have been some of the driest times I can remember with the Lord. Not the last few days or the last few weeks..the last few months. I am desperate and dry. I am unsure why I have not been having conversations with the Lord.

I am still reading the Bible. But somehow, it is life to me only sporadically. Like I’m standing under a faucet waiting for a drip of water. When then drop comes, I’m grateful. But I want more. I want a flood of water from His word daily. I want to be in the river.

I am still pushing through in my prayer time. Showing up and asking God to speak. Praying for my family. Thanking Him casually for His hand and His blessings. But I want more. I long for more then just an echo of the Holy Spirit whispering to me to not feel guilty or to repent for a harsh word to my child. I want MORE.

MORE.

More of Him. More of His Presence. More passion and hunger to know Him. To be excited about my time with God because I will know Him more. To dance around the room early in the morning before Him, with my IPod on and in my faded pajamas. Knowing that somehow that I am entering the Holy of Holies and abandoning all that I am to Jesus. Then sitting quietly at the feet of God as He fills me again.

What has happened? Why am I here?

Yesterday I asked God why I am in this place with Him. To be honest, I was not really expecting an answer. A lot of questions have gone unanswered lately. But I am still showing up, knowing that if I press through, He will be faithful.

He answered. And I struggle to put into words how God spoke to my heart. It was so clear and so convicting. He told me I have put up little walls in my relationship with Him. These walls are things I’ve decided are off-limits in prayer. Not blatant sin. Not obvious area of rebellion. Just little things I really don’t want to talk to God about.

I told the Lord I was afraid of being selfish in my prayer time. The things I have put up walls about…they seem small to me. Would He want to talk me about them?

Bring me all of it. Let me sort it out, Jess.

So, for the first time in a long time, I got completely honest in prayer.

I was once again having a converstation with the Lord. I let it all out and prayed and poured out everything in my heart to Him. I talked to Him about small things and big things, without reservation. And God listened. Then He answered. When I had finished, I opened up the Word and read it with a new contentment and peace.

Oh, to be in the river of His Presence. To be filled with the Lord completely. To break down the little walls I have built between me and my God.

To be satisfied in Jesus once again because I have met with Him and talked with Him.

God, thank you for the joy of being in your presence and the privilege of pouring out my heart to you. Thank you for listening to my heart. Thank you for talking to me. I love you.

p.s. this was published at Faith Lifts yesterday but I forgot to post the link, so I am posting it here today…for you!

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