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Falling Walls

March 26, 2008

“God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.  We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love…” (1 John 4:17-19a, The Message).

Every other week, Hugh comes in with me to my counseling appointment. We sit next to each other on the dark leather couch and M. talks with us. I usually try to make a bunch of jokes that neither of them find very funny.

“So,”asked Kelly a couple of weeks ago over sushi, “What did you talk about in counseling today?”

I answered grumpily, “My difficulty apologizing.”

Amanda asked last night, “How was your appointment?”

I groan. “Counseling is so hard. Why can’t I be done having stuff to work on?”

“Just wait till glory,” she said reassuringly.

The times Hugh and I sit together and hash through hard issues are draining, but I have resolved to do whatever it takes to be whole in my life – and that includes my marriage.

As Hugh and I have been talking – really talking – about the things that have built up in our relationship, we have gotten a lot closer. For the first time in a long time, we can have a conflict and actually discuss the situation without it escalating (i.e, Jess losing control and flinging a mascara tube at Hugh’s leg).

Hugh is elated lately. “I feel so, so close to you,” he says, nuzzling my neck.

I, on the other hand, feel something I didn’t expect at all.

I feel really scared.

It’s not just the”oh, I hope this lasts” anxiety – a deep fear is surfacing in my heart as Hugh holds me late at night.

He kisses me – and I love it. I’m drawn to him, and I want more of him – but I start to cry and push him away.

What is wrong with me? Why am I so afraid of letting him in my heart all the way?

I didn’t realize the walls I had built up in my marriage until they started to come down. And instead of being excited about the new closeness, I feel so afraid.

Afraid he’ll hurt me, afraid he’ll leave, afraid he’ll reject me.

This morning, Bible open and kleenex in hand, God asked, “Who, Jess? Who hurt? Who left? Who rejected you?”

Oh. It wasn’t Hugh.

Once again I have brought my old scars into my marriage and flung them messily in the face of my undeserving husband.

Weeping, I realized that, as in every thing else, only God can heal me in this and create something new in my heart. I want to love Hugh unafraid. I want to give myself wholly to the man I love.

It makes me tremble inside –  and yet God is calling me to live my life unafraid. Instead of keeping myself locked away in a safe place, the Lord is flinging open the doors to my heart and saying, “Go. Go, now. I am right with you every scary step.”

So I’ll step into Hugh’s arms, and I’ll let Hugh hold me as long as I want him to. I’ll spend time laughing and delighting in him.

I’ll fall in love completely with my husband.

Hugh,
“Look, the winter is past,
and the rains are over and gone.
The flowers are springing up,
the season of singing birds has come,
and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.
The fig trees are forming young fruit,
and the fragrant grapevines are blossoming.
Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!” (Song of Solomon 2:11-13).

Love,
Jess

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. March 26, 2008 10:42 pm

    Isn’t it awesome that God loves us soo much that He speaks to us when we are scared to stay on the right path. Thank you for sharing this encouraging post.

    God bless!

  2. March 27, 2008 2:02 am

    why can’t I comment on your blog intelligently anymore?

    all I want to say is

    mmmmmmhmmmmmm.

    which is some weak form of saying… yes! i agree! i am blessed! i get it! thank you! good stuff!

    but it just comes out

    mmmmhmmmmm.

  3. March 27, 2008 10:36 am

    I just can’t tell you enough what a blessing your blog is to me! So sweet and transparent. Thank you!

  4. March 27, 2008 2:56 pm

    Don’t ever forget:
    God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave us our spouses…He brought us together to make a beautiful design. And even when we’re scared, we can’t forget our husbands are loving us as they know best. Standing with you in prayer….Hugs

  5. March 29, 2008 12:35 am

    Our God is so good, I have been struggling with recieving His love… receiving my husband’s love… receiving my friends’ love.
    Now He has enabled me to recieve His love, I hope and pray the others will come in time as well!
    May the same be true for you!
    God bless,
    heather

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