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Jess The Fashionista

May 7, 2008

Tips To Building Your Dream Wardrobe (if you use my closet as a guide):

1. When putting together a wardrobe, keep in mind that you need many, many pairs of black pants. Black crops, black Bermuda shorts in stiff and relaxed cotton, black dress pants, black jeans, black sweat pants, and several pairs of black yoga pants. It doesn’t matter if you don’t do yoga – it is still good to have these black yoga pants because they go really well with:

2. Six to eight oversized, large, stained cotton t-shirts. Try not to get black because you already have so many black pants, but the key is LARGE. If you are wearing a shirt that is way too big, you will hide everything you hate about your body. Tell yourself that these shirts are trendy because they are in sort-of-trendy colors.

3. Make sure you have one nice outfit that you can wear to all the weddings you will go to in the summer. If your husband has a big family and his cousins keep getting married, it is important to have a nice black suit to wear to these important events. Change the shirt you wear underneath the suit for each wedding so that it looks like a new outfit each time.

4. When you go to the fun outlet mall and find a large blue sweater that is kind of cute but also makes you look like a weird puffy cloud woman, don’t hesitate – buy the sweater in every color. Don’t feel bad when eight months later you discover the pile of sweaters with the tags still on in the corner of your closet in a heap. At least you were trying to branch out with the idea of wearing a sweater, even if you never actually wore one.

5. Always keep at least one salmon colored maternity shirt with a DOG BITE IN THE SLEEVE for nights when you want to cozy up with your husband while eating Chinese food and watching BBC America news. Surely he thinks your shirt is cute, right? You’ve had it for five years. You love that shirt. Why would you consider wearing something remotely attractive around the house when it’s just the two of you? And the dog bite in the sleeve just gives it character.

6. It is important to have at least one warm coat in the South for those chilly winter months. A large red quilted coat is just the thing to throw on for cold mornings. Buy one with a grey hood to fit neatly over your wet ponytail.

7. One money-saving tip: wear your husband’s gym socks instead of buying socks for yourself. They are large, soft, and comfortable. They are white – and will go with your black pants/shorts/capris/Bermudas/sweats really well. Think of all the money you will save by not buying your own socks.

8. Make sure to check the Target clearance rack for potential finds. And buy the blue crop pants with the word “cheeky” on the butt – even if you think that you may never actually put them on. It’s good to have fun and crazy pieces in your wardrobe for those “want to have ‘cheeky’ in pink bubble letters on my behind” days.

9. Instead of investing in a really good pair of jeans, buy inexpensive jeans that don’t really fit right because you don’t want to try on a bunch of jeans in the dressing room because you’d rather be home in your salmon-colored dog bite maternity shirt eating wonton soup.

10. Finally, a great tip to building your dream wardrobe is to walk into your closet, throw everything in a black hefty bag, and announce to your husband that you cannot live one more day in clothes that don’t fit. He will take a great deal of pity on you and tell you to go shopping. Watch a few episodes of “What Not to Wear”, realize you dress even more poorly than every person featured on the show, then get your cheeky self to a mall. Buy just a few clothes. But buy clothes that actually look decent. Keep the dog shirt for sentimental reasons but vow not to put it on anymore.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. May 7, 2008 12:41 pm

    Oh my! You are stylin’ my friend!!
    We’ll all be dressing just like you, soon, I’m sure!

  2. May 7, 2008 12:42 pm

    Oh my, I think we are clothes soul mates. I am nodding my head to every single one.

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