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May 22, 2008

I have been so angry this week. Resentful. Irritated. Judgmental. I keep looking around frantically for a reason to point to – something that could excuse my attitude – and finding nothing.

My mood is seeping over onto everyone in my house – but the person who is getting the brunt of my anger is my five-year-old Hannajean.

Her room – a disaster. Every toy is always out. Piles fill the floor. As I clean up, I seethe with frustration. I think, “She doesn’t respect me.”

Her bedtime – a joke. She leaps out of bed and trots downstairs to tell me just one more thing. “Get upstairs,” I snap. Her face crumbles, and I don’t care.

She makes lunch for herself and her three-year-old sister. Two little brown bags are carefully packed with peanut butter sandwiches and juice boxes, ready for preschool. She has tried to write names on the outside of the bags in purple marker. I acknowledge her effort briefly, but I am so irritated with other things she has done, other ways I feel wronged, that I rush the moment.

As you probably know, Steven Curtis Chapman’s five-year old daughter was killed over the weekend. We all care so much, somehow. Even if we don’t listen to his music anymore, even if that “Cinderella” song hasn’t made us cry until today…we just care. And we, the church, are praying. And I am praying.

As I cleaned up Hannajean’s dishes from breakfast, I came to the leftover lunch fixins. Peanut butter, now-stale bread, and saran wrap litter my counter. I thought about Steven Curtis Chapman and his family and –

I started to cry. My anger towards Hannajean suddenly seemed so foul, so petty, and so pointless. I have the gift of this day with my five-year-old and I am wasting these moments because I am so wrapped up in myself.

She is a gift to me. My daughter is a gift. This day is to be savored with her. I want to embrace motherhood right now without constantly thinking about my own needs and wants. I can trust that God will show me what I need – but in the meantime, I have a little girl to love and hold today.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. May 22, 2008 5:59 pm

    I’m with ya on this one. Blogged about it, too — and have cried much of the day.

  2. May 22, 2008 6:05 pm

    Listen when you have the chance – –

    God bless,

  3. May 23, 2008 8:10 pm

    Beautiful. And I can so relate.

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