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Notes from the Pad

June 25, 2008

Today I flipped open my Bible (Bible software abandoned) as I tried to remember how to write by hand. Something fell out of the Old Testament.

My mother’s handwriting is immediately familiar to me. Her list takes up most of the now-yellowed page. A green frog holding a pencil at the top of the sheet announces that this paper is “Notes for Your Pad”. 

Green Pants
Ear drops

Fifteen items my mother hurriedly wrote down years ago as I dictated the list to her from the hospital. A child was sick. Could she come? And could she bring ear drops and a change of clothes?

I miss my mother when I find these little things tucked away in odd places. I am sad, too, at how much the list meant to me – indeed, it is the only thing pressed between the pages of a Bible I used daily for over ten years. 

This week I have been awful, really awful, to the people I love. I am upset at how quickly the functioning of my right hand has deteriorated, and I have dumped my anger out on my family and close friends. I apologize… and then my bad mood quickly returns as I remember that I can’t use my laptop… or as my hand starts aching…

This morning I confessed my anger and bad attitude again to God. 

“I am not trusting You in this, Father,” I said. “I see that. Please help me!”

He reminded me that “those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary” (Isaiah 40).

But I don’t want to wait on Him. I want my hand fixed, my attitude changed, and my future laid out – all by 9:30 tonight, please. So when I opened the Bible and my mother’s old list fluttered out, my eyes welled up with tears.

Here was a tangible reminder of something God did in my life as I waited on Him. He walked with me step by painful step out of a relationship that had kept me in bondage for many years. 

So I will remember that tonight when I turn over my hand-written blog post to Hugh. God is faithful. Wait.

When my hand pain wakes me up tonight, I will remember the One who gives strength to those who are tired. My wrists may be sore, but the chains that held me captive for so long are gone. 

I will put the note back in my Bible, leaving it there as one of the last reminders I have of my mom.  And when I see it there, I will remember the lesson that healing always takes time.

Father, help me to wait on you… renew my strength… I trust You. In the name of Your Son, Jesus, Amen.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. June 26, 2008 2:10 am

    this is a lovely post, jess. your posts remind me of a modern-day david…. starting out with woes and ending up with love, trust and resolve for our Father… just like a psalm… beautiful.

    prayin’ for your hand. ick.

  2. June 26, 2008 4:54 am

    So have you made a doctor’s appointment? Take care of yourself – your family (and the blogosphere at large!) needs you!

  3. June 26, 2008 9:55 am

    I love that verse and this is a beautiful post. It’s easy to be that way to our loved ones when we are hurting and frustrated. I also am wondering if you have made the doctor’s appt. which reminds me of one I need to make for myself. You make yours and I’ll make mine???

    Praying for you.

    Suzanne 🙂

  4. June 26, 2008 12:01 pm

    sigh… thank you for this today… 🙂

    p.s. AND thank you to your husband for typing your posts for you!

  5. June 26, 2008 2:44 pm

    jess…our love and prayers are with you.
    God knows how much we need your ministry online
    so I am standing with you in BELIEF that He will heal you and keep you functioning! say a thank you to yer dear hubby from us who go thru withdrawl if a new post is not found 😉

  6. June 26, 2008 8:47 pm

    Great post. I am praying for you. Keep us updated on your hand.

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