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Silver and Gold

July 25, 2008

Last week Hugh and I sent an email to our friends at our church letting them know we would no longer be attending there. No, we weren’t offended. No, we weren’t unhappy with anyone or anything. But, somehow, to our surprise, we feel God calling us to a different church.

I felt this quiet resolve in our decision. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, we may even be missing God – but, through the mist of our swirling emotions, we felt like we had heard His whisper, so we stepped.

The thing that I thought would be the hardest about this has indeed been the hardest. Leaving behind the security of close relationships and friendships and going to worship in a place where I don’t know anyone – it’s extremely difficult. I feel like a huge fish out of water. Like tonight.

I went out to eat with women from my new church, women I had never met, and I sat there most of the evening with a fake smile and saying quippy, lame comments wondering if maybe I have completely missed God.

I mean, I don’t know them. I don’t know anything that they are talking about – and I just sat there chewing my sesame bagel thinking about what it felt like to be with a bunch of women at my old church.

Those women know me. They think I’m great. Funny. A good writer. And they know my testimony and how much I love Jesus. The only thing these women tonight knew about me was that I liked bagels.

So, for the first time, I felt this little pang of fear. Maybe this will be too hard. Maybe Hugh and I have made the wrong decision. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

I want to say that in the middle of my meal and insecurities, God spoke clearly again. That He said, “No, Jess. You are walking in My will, daughter. Good job tonight. Keep going.” But He didn’t. So I just sat through the meal, feeling awkward.

I guess somewhere in my gut I know that meeting new people is this hard. Every time you reach out and open your life and heart – it’s very painful and scary. But you go to dinner, you eat a bagel, and then, at some point, you become friends.

I want to remember that each step of this decision isn’t going to be easy – but I want to grow in my trust for my Jesus and remember that He who called me is faithful (1 Corinthians 1:9).

No matter what.

God, I trust you. And, please, Lord, help me to be myself around new people even though I feel nervous. Help me to remember that my confidence comes from you – and that it is always a privilege to meet and know your children. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. July 26, 2008 7:42 am

    WOW! Big stuff. I’d love to hear more about it. This I know…

    One day the women at your new church will know you. They will think you’re great. Funny. A good writer. And they will know your testimony and how much I love Jesus.

    And you’ll be even richer in precious friendships!

  2. July 26, 2008 11:10 am

    It’s good that you put yourself out there in a situation where you felt uncomfortable. It’s easy to hold back and not even go in a situation like that.

    May God bless you with wonderful new friendships!

  3. July 26, 2008 10:30 pm

    I’ve enjoyed reading your blog! Congratulations on this first step! What a great reminder of how all visitors — especially nonbelievers — feel when they come to a new church. The Lord is resourceful — He’ll use every second of your experiences for His good! 🙂

  4. July 29, 2008 1:15 am

    (((((Jess)))))))) been there, done that! It’s so hard to strike out and forge a way where you feel God has lead you when you are still loving the place you are. Over time, you’ll build new friendships and those relationships will become just as wonderful. Bless you and Hugh as you seek to follow God’s will.

    Time is short, so I’ll comment on your post on being ready to go back to teaching as well here, if you don’t mind. You can do this. You can do this. You can do this. It might be hard at first, but you will figure it out – give it time.

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