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Good Morning

November 15, 2008

Dear Lord,

Good morning.

Thanks for always showing up to be with me – and thanks for the Disney Channel so that my kids are content while I pray upstairs.

Lord, remember yesterday when Amanda asked me how I’m hearing from you right now about how depressed I’ve been? I told her that I wasn’t really hearing anything from you. Why, Father? Why can’t I hear from you right now about how to be free from depression once and for all?

Sometimes it seems like the times I am most desperate to hear your voice are the times that you are the most silent.

I guess I’m feeling angry this morning, God. Not at you, really. But at my own weakness. You’ve delivered me from so much – why do I keep needing your help? When will I finally be done struggling? I want to be successful for a while – I really do. I want to finally get it all together.

I guess I know that I will never really get it all figured out – or I wouldn’t need you.

Will you help me to trust you today? Holy Spirit, please come and fill me up with the desire to take little steps towards the Lord right now. I want a desire to read the Word, a determination to take steps to find joy, and a hunger for new trust in you.

I guess the last thing I want to say this morning is this: God, thanks for this darkness. I know that there are things that I will learn right now that I would not learn if I were living life with energy and confidence.

Thank you that this time is going to teach me more about you and your faithfulness to me.

I really love you, Jesus.

Amen.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. November 15, 2008 9:59 am

    Jess, The more I read your blog today, the more I could see the same things I see when I read the Psalms and read as David cried out to God in his time of running and his time of darkness. He was a man after God’s own heart, Jess. You know deep inside you love God. God knows this. He has not left you. He wants you to depend on Him at a deeper level than ever before just as David had to. I could see you doing that as you began to end this post. You began to praise Him and love Him with your words. Keep doing it, Jess. I will be praying for you today!
    amy

  2. Marla permalink
    November 15, 2008 10:40 am

    “In our weakness is His strength.”
    If you didn’t need God…where would His strength be in your life? We always need Him. Our goal isn’t independence…in fact, I like to think it’s letting go to be more and more DEpendent. Your blog is wonderful. Thank-you for opening your heart.

  3. November 15, 2008 3:44 pm

    {{{{HUG}}}}}

    Wish I could be there to give you a hug and say “it’s okay.” Or maybe “I know it is NOT okay, but God is still God.” Depression sucks. Fight it! Don’t give it, if you can help it. Make it work to hold you down.

    Keep loving Jesus, Jess. He loves you right back.

    And if it gives you any comfort, I believe he knows depression…in the garden, sweating blood, “take this cup away from me.” BUT THY WILL BE DONE. Jesus knows. Keep praying Jess! He hears!

  4. November 16, 2008 12:15 am

    Dear Jess…
    This was just what I needed to read tonite. Although I hadn’t thought to tell God thank you for the darkness. So thank you for sharing that so I can appreciate where I’m at, what season I’m in, and to learn from it all and stick close to God in the process even when I can’t really hear Him.
    Thank you again. May God hold you close in His arms of Love….and may you really “feel that tight Daddy embrace”.
    Love you sis!

  5. Tasha permalink
    November 16, 2008 8:58 pm

    You know, I feel this way a lot. Why can’t I hear God? Why does it seem I need Him constantly? Why do rough things keep happening? What I keep realizing, although I have to constantly remind myself, is that perhaps God prefers the weak and needy. I know that God is pleased with me when I am humble and yearning for Him, not when I am confident and needless.

    To be honest, when things go right in my life I get a little scared. Having needed God so desperately just to survive planted a seed in my heart of neediness for him. I know that when things are right I am so quick to stray away, but when things are rough He is the One I turn to. I can’t always hear His voice clearly, but I KNOW that He is pleased with my love and desperation for Him, and when I set aside me and instead focus on Him and His desires for me.

    Sorry this is so long, but I wanted you to know that neediness is my Rock. I hear where you are coming from, I feel the same a lot. Big Hugs girl! I have no doubt in reading your blog and seeing your humility and love for Jesus that you will receive such a huge “Well Done” from our maker…

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