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Galatians 3:27

December 12, 2008

Today our new dog ran away and it was cold outside
As I walked
Over and over and over
In my neighborhood

Crying and hating myself for opening the front door too soon
And for swearing at Hugh for being irritated with me

Why do I swear? Why do I hate myself quickly?

I went to Kinkos and printed out fliers

LOST DOG. REWARD.

My daughter, cute in her navy trench coat
Handed fliers to neighbors we do not know

We are too busy to talk to our neighbors

I circled the streets filled with brown, white, brown, and tan houses
And called out for Harley

I will find this dog – I will find this dog

I thought about being nine years old
Left at the mall by my mother
All day
Because I wandered away from her in Nordstrom

I waited hours
Alone in the mall security booth
Eating old donuts

Talking to the mall workers
Feeling ashamed

I felt ashamed today
As I walked looking for a lost dog

He is lost because I opened the door
I was lost because I wandered away

I put on shame like my daughter puts on her trench coat

Easily
Quickly
Tying it securely around my gut

Time for new clothes

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. December 12, 2008 5:49 pm

    hey, sis. praying for you this day. I wish you never got squeezed into those clothes in the first place… guilt, shame… they were not intended for you.

    yours is a garment of praise and rejoicing… wear it proudly! i bet it fits much better.

  2. December 12, 2008 6:08 pm

    Sweet Jess (and I do mean SWEET Jess…not the names you or the enemy may call you),
    I am praying. And not just for the return of your new dog but also for you. Did you read Lysa’s blog the other day where she talked about Nester’s blog? How she has the decorating theme that it doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful? That’s how God looks at you, too. You don’t have to be perfect to be beautiful. Swear words that slip, dogs that accidently get loose, little girls who wander…still beautiful, Jess.
    Love to you,
    K

  3. December 12, 2008 8:42 pm

    I pray you find your dog! And you’re right — take off the grave clothes girl because you are a child of the LIGHT. No condemnation … no blame.

    Bless you and your family. I pray an angel will be loosed to bring your dog back to you.

    Love,
    Beth

  4. Cheri permalink
    December 12, 2008 9:55 pm

    I appreciate your transparency.
    See also Romans 8:1 🙂

  5. December 13, 2008 7:56 am

    Re: your post. You shine even through the old garb. Definitely time for new clothes to better fit the new you.

    Re: your twitter. I’m glad your dog is safe and sound. Far more traumatizing for you than it likely was for him.

  6. December 13, 2008 11:24 am

    Wow, I’m not sure how to comment sometimes because have the same problem. I am so quick to spew hatred at myself or listen to satan as he does so. satan tries to tell us how awful we are to stop us from being who God wants us to be. he won’t succeed, but still he tries.

    I try to remind myself that I would never speak to someone else like that. I also tell myself that the Jesus I know wouldn’t treat me like that either.

    Remind yourself who The Lord tells you that you are, since He lives in you. You are an AMAZING woman of God. Don’t let anyone, even yourself, tell you differently!

    I thank you again for your courage to lay it all out there in your posts.

    Love you sister,

    Suzanne 🙂

  7. December 13, 2008 7:51 pm

    I’m so glad you found the dog. I so related to your post. How something new and relatively small can weigh on us like a heavy pain from yesterday. Why?? Why do we carry the shame that our mother’s should be carrying? We should be proud. We are survivors! We are innocent! We are now duaghters of the king. But instead we stayed wrapped in the shame of poor parenting. Why?

  8. December 14, 2008 4:56 pm

    You are clothed in righteousness!

    Glad the dog was found. That’s wonderful. 🙂

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