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Good Enough

January 4, 2009

Tonight I told Hugh l wanted a new look for my blog. “My blog basically sucks,” I thought as I clicked around on fabulous-looking blogs.

As I did, I could feel insecurity rising up in me.

Oh. This women has hundreds of comments on every post. She’s such a good writer.
Oh. This person had a giveaway and thousands of people entered. Wow. Tons of people must read her blog.

Instead of happily looking for a new blog design, I became more and more upset. I started thinking of all the other ways I don’t feel good enough in my life right now. My cotton-knit school wardrobe, my inability to go a day without swearing, being churchless… on and on and on. The thoughts tumbled out, overwhelming me.

A year ago, I was so grateful to not be depressed. Jesus had lovingly and painfully walked me through some dark valleys, and I emerged joyfully on the other side. Nervously, I wrote my first post about my journey out of darkness and I was thrilled with my few dozen blog hits (which, upon reflection, were probably mostly from my best friend).

Now it’s not enough. I want more. More readers. More recognition. More moments of satisfaction at my own creativity.

Yuck.

I am no longer grateful; I am greedy. Out of my greediness, I am left with little joy as I click around the blogosphere, always comparing.

As I shut my laptop tonight and stormed around my room, I realized the depth of my grumbling heart. When I am dissatisfied with who I am so frequently, I am telling God that He has not done enough for me in my life.

Thanks for the freedom from abusive parents. Now what about my weight?

I really appreciate the godly husband, three healthy children, and solid friendships, Lord. Now what about some of my lingering anxieties from childhood? Why haven’t you fixed that yet, God?

I am grateful I am no longer depressed, Father. What about promoting my blog so more people read my story, huh?

I need to be free from this self-focus and choose thankfulness every day. Regardless of my blog, my clothes, or any other less-than-perfect thing about me – I can start choosing to be content with who I am (RIGHT NOW) in Jesus.

He is enough, He’s done enough, and He’s made me enough through His Son.

Enough.

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17 Comments leave one →
  1. Joy F. permalink
    January 4, 2009 10:37 pm

    Amen, Jessica. I can identify with what you are saying so much. In the words of Lady MacBeth, “Out, out xxxxxxx spot!” [spot= selfish, insecure, greedy sin nature)

  2. January 4, 2009 10:46 pm

    I like your blog look. You might not have hundreds of readers, but you have a handful who are genuinely blessed by what we read, and really care about you. The insecurity and discontent is Satan whispering in your ear to steal away your joy and peace. Don’t give him a foothold, Jess. Just tell him NO, and turn away from him into Jesus’ ever-waiting, ever-loving arms. We sang this today, and I know you know it is true, but a reminder never hurts. πŸ™‚

    Your Grace Is Enough Lyrics
    Artist(Band):Chris Tomlin

    Great is Your faithfulness oh God
    You wrestle with the sinner’s heart
    You lead us by still waters and to mercy
    And nothing can keep us apart

    So remember Your people
    Remember Your children
    Remember Your promise
    Oh God

    Your grace is enough
    Your grace is enough
    Your grace is enough for me

  3. Elizabeth permalink
    January 4, 2009 11:03 pm

    Amen. Must remember that.

    fyi – I actually think your blog looks fabulous. It is one of the more beautiful blogs I’ve seen. πŸ™‚

    wait, Princess Diaries is a book(s) too? How did I not know this.

  4. January 5, 2009 2:31 am

    Uh, well, first of all, I’m totally jealous of your blog. It looks great, compared to mine. I think it’s beautiful and relaxing.

    Secondly, we all feel that way. We all compare everything (weight, hair, face, clothes, car, house, blog). It’s innate within us apparently. But you are on the right track. It’s God that can fix it. Not us. God.

    Sanctification is a process. We don’t instantly become like God in one day, or a year, or in a lifetime. We will only truly be like God when we are with Him. We make the choice to follow Him and we have to let Him do the rest. But it’s a daily dying-to-self decision.

    We love you, Jess. (And if you want to send Hugh over to work on my blog, feel free!!!)

  5. Kristi permalink
    January 5, 2009 8:47 am

    I found your blog last night and I think its wonderful. Your faith is inspiring and I feel I can relate with you on so many levels.

  6. January 5, 2009 9:08 am

    you know, sometimes I can feel like that too. I see people surge to read me, then they go away. I put new stuff on my shoppe, and people don’t buy, then they buy all the stuff that I’m not all that proud of…but you know what I’m learning? That really doesn’t matter! This is what matters: He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

    Philippians 1:6 (NIV)

    best of love dearie, I love your blog!

  7. taylor k permalink
    January 5, 2009 9:30 am

    i too love the blog look, and i LOVE every one of your blogs. i relate to you (and so do the others!) and that means more (to me) than having thousands of comments.

    i just purchased a domain to document my seeking-faith journey in 2009. Its not up and running yet, but when it is i am sure i’ll have the same feelings that you do. its normal to want more, you aren’t alone.

    keep it up, jess! πŸ™‚

  8. January 5, 2009 9:50 am

    #1 -we will never been good “enough.” But God is good enough and he covers us with his grace. THAT is enough.

    #2 – I’ve found if you got visit people’s blogs and comment, they’ll come back and comment. To get comments you have to give them. Find a blog you enjoy, then visit the people they follow or their blogroll. Comment generously. You’ll find you reap what you sow in bloggyville.

    #3 – You worth is not based on number of comments received. I did a “funny” new years resolution blog, and that was one of my resolutions, that I wouldn’t base my worth on number of comments, but amended to say that if you get 25 then “they like you, they really like you.” LOL!

    Hang in there! You are a work in progress (as we all are).

  9. January 5, 2009 11:34 am

    That’s how I start to feel when I read too many decorating blogs. I get so discontent with what I have. I’ve had to consciously stop myself from reading them for awhile. I’d rather miss all those great ideas that I just have to have than to be discontent and anxious!

  10. January 5, 2009 2:35 pm

    I too think your blog is so pretty, and I am huge fan of your writings. I may not leave very many comments…maybe I should more often! πŸ™‚ I know there are many lurkers out there, so your blog is probably being read more than you realize.

    You are so not alone in your battle with comparisons, and feeling more grateful for your blessings. I do that all the time. Us women tend to struggle with that issue a lot. hang in there! We all love you. πŸ™‚

  11. January 5, 2009 3:22 pm

    I think your blog looks great, but that’s totally not why I come here. I come here because you aren’t afraid to tell how you feel. So often, I feel the same way, but I’m afraid people won’t like me, afraid of what they’ll think, afraid…so I don’t tell it the way it is for me. Even when I do blog about my hurts and disappointments, I tend to dress it up and make it seem better than it is. It blesses me to know I’m not alone in my sorrow and I’m so thankful you are here.

    I pray that today you will feel truly blessed and that the Lord will give you something that makes your heart smile.

    Love ya,

    Suzanne πŸ™‚

  12. sumijoti permalink
    January 5, 2009 3:48 pm

    I LOVE your blog look! It is my favorite one out there.

    I also think you are an (as yet) undiscovered gem in the blogosphere and it is probably only a matter of time before your blog takes off and people discover you. (At that point I will be able to say I knew you when.. πŸ™‚ )

    Your blog combines everything that makes me come back and visit again and again – you’re funny, relevant, smart, you love Jesus passionately, and above all, you are REAL. I love that about you.

    I had to laugh at this sentence:

    “I am grateful I am no longer depressed, Father. What about promoting my blog so more people read my story, huh?”

    I have thought along similar veins many times, LOL, but didn’t have the chutzpah to say it!

    Blogging is such a strange medium, isn’t it? On the one hand it creates such a lovely sense of community and connects people. On the other hand it is a bit narcissistic to blog, because it serves that thing in us that wants to be seen noticed and validated. It’s so easy to start judging ourselves based on the stats of our last blog post. I am sad to say that I struggle to keep a balance in blogging more often than not.

    Love you lots, Jess!

    ~Sumi

    http://www.sumijoti.wordpress.com

  13. January 5, 2009 3:56 pm

    Jess,
    I love the look of your blog, but honestly that’s not why I come. In fact, I read most of the blogs I read in google reader and I hardly ever see the look of them, until I choose to stop lurking and comment. I come for the content, not the look. I like the way you are real, I even like know that you are struggling as I am. But actually I think you are incredibly blessed, even in spite of your struggles. You have people who actually read your blog. I have only one follower, and few that ever visit and only on occasion according to the tracking tool I use. You have a wonderful Husband and precious kids, you are not alone. You may not currently have a church family, but you still have Jesus, and that is all you really need. Like the rest of us, you just need to learn how to stop comparing yourself to everyone else….if you figure it out, let me know. πŸ™‚ Now get back into life, and kick Satan and his lies about you being inadequate right to the curb. You know that you are a beloved Child of God, you are blessed, and you have dominion over the devil, so kick him back into the pits of hell and tell him to leave you alone. Then praise God that you have been set free from so much already and that you know He hasn’t left you but will finish what He has started. Then find you a fresh new look for your blog for the new year. I find mine on Pyzam.com. {{{Hugs}}}

  14. January 5, 2009 4:05 pm

    I am a lurker here, mostly out of insecurities. I think your blog is beautiful too. Also, I am amazed at how brave you are. Putting your struggles and triumphs out in the open like this is brave. Your words have been a blessing to me.

  15. Karen permalink
    January 5, 2009 5:10 pm

    I don’t have much to add…so many wise people have commented before me! But your blog is great, you have a large and faithful following, and your story is and continues to be powerful and moving as you continue to portray your walk honestly. I am always blessed, inspired, or comforted (or all three) as I read here. And remember, sometimes it’s not how wide your influence is but how deep. And for the readers here, I think your impact goes very deep. Love ya, sweetie.

  16. January 5, 2009 7:01 pm

    For what it’s worth, I love it when I see in my reader that you’ve posted again because I find myself so often encouraged Even in your discouragment, you strive to have more of God in your life. I need that. Your writing helps. (As an English teacher I wish I could write so well, too!)
    – Another Jess

  17. Creekwader permalink
    January 5, 2009 7:12 pm

    You are such a fantastic writer — real, funny, original, creative. Be proud. You are rare.

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