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Nulla Dies Sine Linea

February 12, 2009

“You’re not posting very much lately,” Hugh said today, looking up from his laptop.

I wanted to cry.  I felt like he punched me – though I know he didn’t mean to hurt me.  I want to write, but I can’t find the time.  So I post memorable things like: “The Word of the Day…Sleepy”.  Maybe people will think that is funny, I reflect as I click “post”.

The last four days have been full –  it was hard to find the time to post.  The last week…month…season…they have been full – it was hard to find the time to post.

Life is full.

Papers to grade, valentines to make with my children, my Grandmother trying to cancel her “helper” – again, a messy house, a husband who wants me to listen – just for a second, a Bible plan that I am getting behind in, and friends to try to call back.

Lessons to plan, parents to talk to after school about their child’s discouragement (“…And he is looking forward to summer, Mrs. Hopper.”  Jesus.), and a dog who won’t stop barking while I type this post.

When can I write?  I want to WRITE.  Writing on my blog is the one part of my life that is mine, and I don’t make time for it.  I run around, frantically balancing plates and trying to pray – wondering why I am struggling with anxiety again.

Maybe I don’t want to slow down.  Maybe I like the chaos – it makes me feel important.  Maybe I am afraid to write now that I have a life now.   Maybe knowing that people in my life – and out of my life – read my blog makes me afraid to write with honesty.

Maybe.  Maybe.  Maybe.  And another day with a line.

I started writing to encourage people in Jesus. I don’t think I do that anymore – I am too frantic, too rushed, too “unable to figure it out well”.

Today a high school student interviewed me for our school newspaper.  She liked me.  She was delightful.  I liked being interviewed and I talked to her for a while.

“What do you like to do?” She asked.

“I love blogging.” I said.  Gushing, really.

Oh, yes, she said.  She’d heard of my blog. As soon as she left, I started thinking about my blog.  I say I love blogging – then why don’t I do it?  Why is it that the things I really enjoy go last on the list?  I have such a hard time making time for the things I love – I am too busy.

And I don’t know how to change it.

Maybe I start with today.  I choose to put down my work and take twenty minutes and write my thoughts.  For me.  For my children to read one day.  For my friends.

And tomorrow I’ll do it again.

Never a day without a line.

Nulla dies sine linea.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. February 12, 2009 4:36 pm

    I see what you are saying, but I recall not so long ago you wanting to not blog as much! I don’t make time in my life for a lot of things I love, I find they come and go in seasons….and come back again when the time is right.

  2. Laura permalink
    February 12, 2009 9:06 pm

    Hi!

    I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of weeks and am enjoying your honesty. Thank you for that.

    Blogging is wonderful! It is certainly one of my passions as well. However, these past few days (I just moved) I have been exhausted. Not only that, but I don’t have words in my needing to get out. So I sit, instead of writing.

    “Our lives are a story that is not finished yet – and darkness never gets to write the final chapter. And with the Lord, I know it’s true.” Those words encouraged me this week!

    Laura<

  3. missy permalink
    February 12, 2009 9:28 pm

    Well this seems as good a time as any to tell you I’ve recently found your blog and in the short time (maybe a week or two) I’ve been reading I’ve enjoyed it so much…so even your slow blogging times are interesting, as far as I’m concerned!

    Oh and that recent post with an example of what a prayer is for you right now? I could’ve totally written that myself. Loved it. 🙂

  4. joyousworship permalink
    February 12, 2009 10:22 pm

    Amen, Jess. Never a day without at least a few of the important things. For me, never a day without asking my son to see his thousandth paper airplane or never a day without enjoying my daughter’s request for a hug, her smile, her dancing around the pile of unfolded laundry heaped on the living room floor. You encourage and uplift all the time- what I need is more honesty in my life, not more appearance of righteousness. Your blog provides that- both when you are talking about a deep revelation from the Lord and when you are sighing at the state of your house or frustrated with your kids or feeling insecure. I need to know that is okay to feel those things, that I can still have a deep time with the Lord tomorrow, that I am not hopeless nor alone. You let me know this with your words. Thank you.

  5. February 13, 2009 7:12 pm

    I want to write a book, but never get past blogging. I want to loose weight, but eat too much. I want to exercise but am too tired (lazy?) I want to get up every morning and pray but…..

    The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. For all of us. Just do the best you can. We’ll wait for you.

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