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Day 2

February 26, 2009

Hugh left with his mom three hours ago to go to the funeral home.  Helping her get out the door was a major ordeal.  I stood in my thin pajamas and greasy hair trying to herd her towards the closet.

“Let’s pick out an outfit, Mom. You have thirty minutes.”

She shuffled towards the closet.  Stopped.  Then shrieked and picked up a book of puzzles.

“We were going to do the puzzles in this book together…I…I…bought this book so we could do these puzzles.” Her face exploded with grief again. I tried to figure out how much time to listen to her talk.  I felt frustrated that she wouldn’t move faster.  Then angry with myself at my frustration.

I listened for a while, then: “Okay, Mom…How about this shirt?  This looks nice.”

“Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes,” she said, looking at the dark turtleneck.  We pulled the rest of the outfit together and I led her into the bathroom.  She closed the door behind me.

After everyone left the house, I was alone for the first time (except for my three loud and tired children) since yesterday morning.  I went down to Dad’s office and sat in his chair.  I ran my fingers over his writing books.  I looked at pictures of him with Jon-David in front of our house.

Waves of grief rose and fell, rose and fell.  I made a small pile of writing books to take home, if I’m allowed.

After I cried for a while, I called Amanda.

“I’ll come.” she said.

“I know,” I sobbed into the phone, ” I probably need you to come.  I’m not doing well.”

“He was like your dad, Jess.  The only father figure you ever had…the only grandfather for your children.  Don’t underestimate your grief.  It’s okay.”

Her words calmed me a little and, for the first time, I felt permission to feel this upset.

And, somehow, knowing I can be sad makes me feel stronger.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. Brenda Tucci permalink
    February 26, 2009 3:59 pm

    Jess,

    I love you, and Amanda is so right. I was thinking about that all day today. That he was your only dad.

    Amanda, please go!

  2. Alicia permalink
    February 26, 2009 5:27 pm

    Oh, Jess…praying for you all….praying God wraps His arms around you and comforts as only He can. Lifting you all up in prayer…..continually….

  3. February 26, 2009 6:02 pm

    My heart just aches for you and your family. Praying for God’s comfort.

  4. February 26, 2009 7:24 pm

    I am so glad you have a friend like Amanda who has helped you feel released to grieve.

    Love to you,
    K

  5. Creekwader permalink
    February 26, 2009 7:54 pm

    I know this must be more difficult than I can possibly imagine! The lord will somehow give you and your family the strength to get through this. In your weakness, you are strong, even if you don’t know it yet.

    Lots of love.

  6. Amy permalink
    February 26, 2009 10:17 pm

    This valley is so low, but you are not alone. I know you are riding a roller coaster of emotions. The fog feels thick, so thick. I will keep praying for you.

  7. Carol permalink
    February 26, 2009 11:26 pm

    Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you, Hugh, your children and the whole family. God’s grace and peace to you.

  8. February 26, 2009 11:29 pm

    {{{ Jess }}} I know how raw that fresh grief feels.. and I know how feeble words are in an attempt to provide comfort. I”m praying for comfort for your family from the One True Source, our Great Comforter.

  9. sumijoti permalink
    February 27, 2009 12:08 am

    I’m so sorry, Jess. Hugs and prayers…

  10. February 27, 2009 1:57 am

    I lost someone today too. one that was a dad substitute for me for a short time of my life.

    i can’t pretend to know, i kinda get it today.

    crying with you.

  11. Katrina permalink
    February 27, 2009 9:19 am

    So sorry you are going thorugh all of this. Love you much.Please let me know what I can do for you here on the home front

  12. Joy F. permalink
    February 27, 2009 10:52 am

    I’m weeping with you today, Jess. I wish I could help you in your loss, wish I could take away the pain of it somehow. I’m so very sorry, my friend. Please know that when you get home I will be here, whatever you need. Let me take the kids for some playdates so you can have some time.

  13. Chelsea permalink
    February 27, 2009 1:14 pm

    I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss, Jess. Allow yourself to grieve, and I pray that the Holy Spirit brings peace and comfort to you and your family.
    Chelsea

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