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Things I Did Not Expect

March 4, 2009

1. I did not expect to forget left and right. Yesterday, while driving home, Hugh said, “turn left here.” I could not remember what that meant, really. It was at that point we decided to not to drive back to Charlotte. We only made it about two hours from the farm.

2. I did not expect the night after the funeral to be nearly as agonizing as finding out Hugh’s father died. I observed a family exploding. I spent some of the night in our van, curled up with a blanket in seven degree weather. I kept thinking, “this is more than I can bear” – but yet, there I was…still bearing.

3. I did not expect to find the Great Wolf Lodge in the middle of nowhere. People, we are in the most incredible hotel EVER. I think God created this place for our family. Hugh and I stumbled in yesterday, stinky and without a reservation, and booked a suite. This place is unbelievable. It’s like a dream. It has a huge indoor water park, bunk beds for the kids, and a fireplace. Our kids swam for two hours and then slept for eleven hours last night. I want to cry thinking about my kids actually laughing, moving, and sleeping.

4. I did not expect to make friends with people in Hugh’s extended family this trip. Maybe it was that my guard was completely down – I’m not sure. I was more myself in Indiana this past week than I have ever been before. I ended up talking – really talking – to Hugh’s grandmother, cousins, and Aunt. Hugh’s cousin Alley become one of the biggest comforts to me during the funeral, countless visitations, and the bereavement dinner. I don’t feel odd anymore with this sprawling Indiana family. They actually like me. It was a huge gift.

5. I did not expect Joy to tell me that people were lined up at school to bring our family meals when we get back – that, in fact, they are turning volunteers away because there are so many. How can that be? I want to cry. It strengthens me to get out of the cold van and return to life again soon.

6. I did not expect to see Hugh so vulnerable and so strong this past week. On the one hand, he is very weak right now – it scares me a little; I didn’t realize how much I depend on his steady consistency. On the other hand, he is drawing on this really deep strength to handle things that have permanently changed his life. I am extremely proud to be married to him – more than I ever have been.

7. I did not expect to find something devastating from my childhood folded carefully in my father-in-law’s office bookshelves. I have no emotional strength or energy to deal with this right now; my family needs me. But the memory of the paper is tucked away in my soul, ready to be brought out later.

8. I did not expect to go so long without opening my Bible. My time in the Word has been solely from scriptures spoken to me from others (Diane from school telling me Psalm 116 on the morning we found out… Hugh and I weeping as we read the verse.. Larry quoting passages from 2 Corinthians to us while we sat at the dining table in the farm house… So many more).

9. I did not expect to blog during this time. I wonder if I will reread the last few weeks of posts and cringe as I find spelling and grammatical errors. Yet it has helped me so much to write. I want to remember these days. Right now I feel like I am in the dark, groping around…but I know God is going to faithfully lead me back to strength, clarity and joy. Now I’ll have a record of His faithfulness.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. March 4, 2009 1:30 pm

    I am behind in all things Internet-related because we moved this weekend, and that includes being behind on reading and commenting on your blog. But you have not been out of my prayers during this time. I am grateful to hear of glimpses of God’s grace ministering to you during this time. I will continue to pray for you, and for Hugh, and for your precious little ones. (((hugs))). I love you lots. Karen

  2. March 4, 2009 4:59 pm

    thank you for sharing your journey with us. it’s helped to know a little of what was going on to be able to pray.

  3. March 4, 2009 8:33 pm

    I’m SO glad you blogged it. I want to share life with my favorite bloggers, and this IS life.

    I’m so glad your kids laughed and played! You need to do that next.

    Something I did not expect?
    That “Possibly Related Posts” listed with this post would include:
    People’s Sexiest Man Alive: Hugh Jackman

  4. Rainbow Brite permalink
    March 4, 2009 9:39 pm

    Rainbow Brite LOVES you!!! And your wonderful husband and your beautiful children!

  5. March 5, 2009 9:47 am

    Thank you for your update. I am still pryaing for ya’ll and wishing you well.

  6. stephanie renner permalink
    March 5, 2009 11:22 am

    Still thinking about you and praying for you. I understand.

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