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Evil Sarah

June 26, 2009

My best friend Amanda and her husband went on a cruise for their ten-year anniversary a few months ago. They had a glorious time snorkeling and exploring little islands. In addition to the typical cruise moments, they also became good friends with a couple that was assigned to the same table in the dining room.

“Sarah’s great!” Amanda gushed as she showed me pictures of the cruise. Sarah and her husband are funny, successful, and love to play cards – just like Amanda and Chris. In the months since the cruise, Amanda and her husband have gone to Georgia twice to visit their new friends. They’ve gone camping (“so fun”) and this weekend they are going to a Red Sox/Braves Game (“Sarah’s husband bought us home plate tickets – can you believe it? And we’re staying in their guest apartment! Sarah loves to cook and is getting a babysitter for us when we go out…”).

I am wondering if I can kill Sarah. If I had enough energy to get out of my stupid recliner and find a weapon, maybe I would. All my insecurities are flying to the surface lately since I’ve gotten sick, and my friendship with Amanda is not immune.

When I talk with Amanda, we discuss my medication. I give her a blow-by-blow of my counseling appointments and tell her the ways I am supposed to be finding acceptance for having a chronic illness. Amanda points out that I need heat therapy for some of my joints, and we talk about the best kind of Shiatsu massager for my back.

I am too tired for cards. Too tired for shopping. I can’t sit through a baseball game, because I can’t sit on hard chairs without intense pelvic pain. I don’t laugh much; I struggle to remember to ask Amanda how things are in her life. I don’t think I’ll ever cook for her.

I have so little to give in my friendship with Amanda. So I am jealous of a woman I’ve never met and I wish that my best friend was spending the weekend with me instead of Sarah.

A tiny voice in my heart whispers the truth – Amanda loves me, she’s my sister, she doesn’t care that it’s hard to be my friend right now. But some days the insecurities win out and I feel jealous and alone.

All I have to give right now is love, Amanda. I wish I could give you more of me. I want to be fun and laugh and plan crazy days. I miss having energy to stay up late watching “Coming to America” and eating tiramisu.

I miss having the strength to be a good friend.

(But I think you should still warn Sarah to be on the lookout for a crazed-looking, shuffling blond woman. I might have enough strength to do something foolish. Just sayin’.)

4 Comments leave one →
  1. June 26, 2009 9:03 am

    {{{{ Jess }}}}
    I suffer those same insecurities. Hang in there. Praying for you!

  2. Jaime permalink
    June 26, 2009 9:15 am

    Jess…Amanda loves you unconditionally. I’ve been thinking and praying for you. Things will get better, I have complete faith.

  3. June 26, 2009 10:21 pm

    I agree Jess-I think that Sarah needs to GO! (heehee) There is just not enough of Amanda to go around. I will come hang out with you in your recliner—I’ll bring sushi and chocolate—that should make us feel better 🙂

  4. Amanda McEwen permalink
    June 28, 2009 11:56 am

    Amanda would trade a weekend for her BFF over ANYTHING!! (Maybe even U2…..well….maybe.) I love you to death and a deep friendship like ours can TOTALLY handle some arthritis!! (It’s handled Irritable Bowel Syndrome, depression/anxiety, migranes, pregnancies, miscarriages, flu’s etc.)
    You are IRREPLACABLE! (add to the list of diseases, my inablility to spell/speak proper English)

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