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A Waste of $13.99

July 14, 2009

My period was ten days late this month.  Ten days.  Other than missing a period last year, I am pretty darn regular.  I don’t know if all my new RA meds are messing with my cycle, but they are definitely messing with my emotions.

“What if I am pregnant?” I’ve been wondering for the last few days.  Instead of dread at a completely unplanned and “worst timing ever” pregnancy, I found myself secretly hoping I was pregnant.

Even though a baby means bed-rest and physical pain for me, there was this part of my heart that was hungry for new life.  Everything these past few months – losing Hugh’s father, being diagnosed with RA – is so heavy, so sad, so devoid of joy.

But a baby.

Oh, I remember babies.  I remember how my babies smelled, looked, and laughed.  Even though I was exhausted, I had such joy and purpose each day that I spent holding, wiping, and loving.

Today I ran to Harris Teeter to buy a test.  You know what happened, right?  I take the test, then – as I’m waiting the three minutes – I started my period.

And cried.

I’m sure I’ll be over the sadness in a few hours, but right now I still wish that I had something to look forward in life other than talking with Hugh about my inability to move my shoulders or the side effects from one of my drugs.


Alright…Time to make a smoothie, read a book to Hannajean, and remind myself of the good things God is giving me in this season…

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Rainbow Brite permalink
    July 14, 2009 12:53 pm

    you know, i really really really get this. i know that feeling all too well these days. and by the way, we’re in-sync. crazy, huh?

  2. Ann permalink
    July 14, 2009 2:16 pm

    This is my first comment on your blog, but I had to comment on this one. This has happened to me. It’s like as soon as you spend the money, it comes, as if the act of handing over the money makes something trigger.

    Great blog, I enjoy your writing. Hope you are feeling better and better.

  3. Amanda McEwen permalink
    July 14, 2009 4:42 pm

    If you had not been diagnosed with RA and Hugh’s dad had not passed away, I would still saty the things I am about to say :

    Waterpick in the spine and pelvic brace.

    Nuff said.

  4. Joy permalink
    July 15, 2009 9:23 am

    Oh Sweetie! I do understand this feeling all too well. As much as I am done with having babies & the whole pregnancy thing, sometimes for the briefest of moments there’s this longing- partly for all those tender baby moments you describe but also mostly just for the escape. With pregnancy all bets are off the table- work, diet, everything. You go back almost to that childlike state the pastor described recently- living in the moment. Maybe we can figure out how to turn off the stress and the guilt and the constant feeling there is something we should be getting done right now, and to enjoy this moment, this day. You are better at that than I am, but it is still my prayer for you. Minus the pregnancy. 🙂

  5. Alicia permalink
    July 15, 2009 2:25 pm

    Jess, get pregnancy tests from the dollar store. They are cheap and work well! and you can buy more than 1! Praying for you!

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