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Reasons You Don’t Want to Be My Friend

September 18, 2009

1. I swear sometimes. Why can’t I go longer than a month without breaking my “never swear again” vow? Do I have ANY CONTROL AT ALL?

2. I won’t cook if you’re sick. I get emails that say: “______ is sick. Will you cook them a meal?”

No. I won’t. I don’t even cook for my own family.

But for some reason I still sign up to bring a meal.

Then I feel pressure to make the meal INCREDIBLE!!! So I spend seventy dollars at HoneyBaked Ham buying prepackaged food for people I don’t know…

3. I don’t write “thank you” cards. You know the scarf you got me for Christmas? Well, thanks. The Starbucks Gift Card? Thanks. The HoneyBaked Ham meal you brought over when I was sick? Thanks so much.

That’s all I can do. Sorry.

4. I watch trashy TV. Why do I watch “Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood”? How does that show edify me at all? Plus, Tori weighs the same as my earlobes…Why do I watch? Don’t. Know.

5. I get in a bad mood about things. I’m irritated about the state of literacy in our education system or the lack of funding for the recently-canceled Reading Rainbow. Then I want to spend a lot of time talking about these things. But sometimes I should…

Just.

Be.

Quiet.

6. I won’t email you back. Ever. Unless something really bad has happened in your life or you are writing to tell me that you bought me a HoneyBaked Ham and want to know when you can bring it over.

7. I tune out when you’re talking. Not if you’re crying. But sometimes, especially if I’m tired, I stop listening to my friends. Then I realize I need to respond to the conversation and I say…”Oh, wow. I know, I know.”

Because that phrase (Oh-wow-I-know-I-know) will pretty much cover anything you’ve just said to me.

8. I am flaky. I always have new ideas and I get very excited about them (examples of this include all gym memberships and Dream Dinners). But then I fizzle quickly. And you’re stuck with eleven and a half months of payments to Peak Fitness and a freezer full of Chicken Carbonara.

9. I’m inappropriately funny. One recent example – I saw a friend walking through the church parking lot and pretended to flash her. Why do I do this? No one else does this. Every other woman is walking calmly to Sunday School, but I whip out a little “naked at church” humor. Ha, ha, ha.

10. I probably will write about you on my blog. Only I’ll change the details JUST enough so that you’ll get all worried and call me, saying, “Oh, Jess? That ‘person who hurt your feelings’ that you talked about on your blog today?…Uh, was that me?”

I’ll tell you “no”.

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18 Comments leave one →
  1. Rainbow Brite permalink
    September 18, 2009 9:10 pm

    okay, i think that i just scored a 9 out of 10 if this is a scale of some sort. we are WAY too much alike sometimes. i like it.

  2. September 18, 2009 9:46 pm

    Oh I am so glad I am not the only person that doesn’t send thank you notes and tunes out when people are talking! The other day I did that to my mom and had to make up something like “Oh, uh-huh” just to make it sound like I was listening. Thank you for being NORMAL!!!!

  3. Mander permalink
    September 18, 2009 10:28 pm

    HA!!! At least you say oh wow. I know I know….I space out and start talking about something completely off topic.

    I could write a much longer list of what makes you the best friend :).
    One would be titled, “…… CHOCOLATE!!”

  4. September 18, 2009 11:25 pm

    I was cracking up reading this post. Why, when perhaps you were writing it feeling bad? Because you just named some of the many things I do too.

    Nix that last sentence, I went back and reread it really quick. I do each and every one.

    Also, I can’t believe they did that to Reading Rainbow. Even though I don’t have a tv stations.

    And, I busted out laughing at the church flash. I could easily see some of my good friends (whom I respect a ton) doing just that.

  5. September 19, 2009 7:02 am

    Reasons I think i’d still want to be friends-
    1) i do, too.
    2) i like honeybaked ham. i probably prefer it to miss church lady’s cooking. i usually don’t even sign up to bring food.
    3) i don’t either, except to my grandmother. nor do i expect them. not even an e-card.
    4) i don’t watch trashy tv, but i’m addicted to disney channel, which is a short step up.
    5) ditto. i am still outraged about reading rainbow. and if you’re ranting when you should be quiet, i’ll likely tune you out. i might say, “oh-wow. i know. i know!”
    6) i won’t email you in the first place, so i won’t care when you don’t write back.
    7) ditto. only sometimes i forget the filler response.
    8) i like chicken carbonara. bring that instead of honeybaked ham. πŸ™‚ think of it as saving money.
    9) i laughed at the pretend flashing.
    10) it won’t bother me to see myself on your blog. i’ll probably just call and say, “if that was me, i’m sorry i hurt you.” when you say, “oh, of course it wasn’t you!” i’ll choose to believe you.

  6. September 19, 2009 8:11 am

    Did you read my thoughts or something because seriously, I could have typed each of these things.

    I hope this post wasn’t because you were having a bad day, but because you were just sharing. Girl, your real life issues are ones we can all share and sympathize with. You arereal and that’s why we love you.

  7. September 19, 2009 9:39 am

    And those are just a few of the reasons that you are beautiful God! You are His treasure, just as you are. πŸ™‚

    I need to tell you because I know you love to read. This is crucial. Don’t skip over this… Go buy a copy of “The Shame Lifter” by Marilyn Hontz. Seriously, Jess! It’s life changing. And if you can’t find a copy, you can let me know and I’ll mail you one. It’s that amazing.

  8. September 19, 2009 9:41 am

    Hey Jess! I loved this post! I still wanna be your friend. πŸ˜‰

    Have a great weekend!

  9. karen permalink
    September 19, 2009 10:43 am

    Lol! I won’t ask you to bring me food anyway…I’m too much a pain in the rear to cook for! πŸ˜‰

    Seriously, we’re all bad friends in one way or the other. And yet, your unique humor and quirkiness are among the reasons I love you! (And half the time, no one even gets my own strange humor, so you’re one up on me!) πŸ˜‰

    Karen

  10. September 19, 2009 11:19 am

    You are so wonderful. This list IS exactly like me. Even(esp?) the inappropriate humor at church. This is why I check your bog daily πŸ™‚
    love,
    val

  11. September 19, 2009 6:20 pm

    I think it’s okay if we’re still friends…I mean, if you still want to be mine. Cause I think the naked at church humor is laugh out loud funny. And sometimes…I still swear. I don’t wanna, but it sure does slip on out from time to time.
    Your Flaky Friend,
    K

  12. September 19, 2009 9:24 pm

    They cancelled reading rainbow??? And I would prefer a honey baked ham! I love trash tv. Don’t get to watch it anymore we cancelled cable and I went through Kathy Giffin withdrawals. Anyway, flakey is the new normal.

  13. September 19, 2009 10:24 pm

    Oh, wow, Jess. I know, I know.

  14. September 19, 2009 10:38 pm

    I’m pretty sure that entire list shows me that we could be best friends, or hate each other because we are too similar!

  15. September 21, 2009 1:23 pm

    I love me some HoneyBaked ham, too. Yes, I also neglect to send Thank You notes – and the sad part is I have a roomful of scrapbooking/card-making supplies. πŸ™‚

  16. September 21, 2009 7:10 pm

    Oh my, you are so funny! You make me laugh…this list makes me want to be your friend even more!!
    πŸ™‚

  17. September 22, 2009 12:58 pm

    This is hilarious…sounds a lot like me…and makes me WANT to be your friend!!!! :^)
    Once again, thanks for being real!

  18. September 28, 2009 11:04 am

    And this? Is why I read this blog. Thanks, Jess. Wish we were friends!!

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