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Dear Substitute Teacher,

October 1, 2009

Hello.

If you are reading this letter in my sub folder, than one of two things has most likely happened:

1.  I am currently experiencing projectile vomiting, a migraine, explosive diarrhea, and a nasty cold.

OR

2.  I’ve finally gotten that book contract on my parenting book (“How to Raise a Child Effectively on the Disney Channel and Happy Meals”) and I need time to write.

If I’m sick, I’ll be back tomorrow.  If it’s the book contract…well, pull up a chair and enjoy life in my classroom.

Here is what you need to know.

1.  Don’t give the students any paper.  Ever.  Even if they ask nicely, remind them that the Earth is experiencing rapid climate change and they need to conserve.  Suggest that they use either their skin or the desks to take notes.

2.  It’s okay if they pass notes in class as long as they let you read the notes.  If they don’t want you to read the note, it’s probably about you.  Maybe about your breath.  So…

3.  Bring mints.  This is VERY IMPORTANT.  How can you reach the hearts and minds of young people if your breath smells like last night’s Five Guys Burger?  Ew.

4.  If you don’t understand something… pause, assume a lofty expression, and say quietly, “who would like to explain this to the class?”  Pretend that YOU know the material, but you are wanting to give them an opportunity to showcase their learning.

5.  Learn teen slang.  Try to pull off words like “fail”.  Be very cool about these words. Shrug your shoulders and comment that “last night’s Glee episode getting preempted by the Weather Alert was such a fail.”  They will think you are cool.  And you are cool.  Especially with your cool minty breath.

6.  When the students ask you questions about your personal life, DON’T answer. Or, if they really push you, always talk about Jesus.

“Why were you late, Mrs. H.?”

I was talking to Jesus about you.

“How come you don’t know much about the Revolution?”

Because Jesus didn’t like the Revolution.  He hates violence.  Now be quiet and hand me my mints.

7.  Always smile when you are standing in front of the class.  Students love smiling teachers.  It makes them feel very relaxed.

Well, I think that is all you need to know for today!  If you run out of books to read and tests to give, just take the students on a long walk around the school.  Students love fresh air and so do you.

Thanks again for coming to my class today!

Under His Mighty Wing,

Jessica

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. October 1, 2009 8:52 pm

    heh heh heh heh

  2. October 1, 2009 10:56 pm

    “Why were you late, Mrs. H.?” I was talking to Jesus about you.

    Cracking up here!

  3. October 2, 2009 11:16 am

    LOL! I love the talking to Jesus part!

  4. October 2, 2009 5:57 pm

    Oh dear. I had a sub today-If only I had read this yesterday 😉

  5. October 2, 2009 7:42 pm

    I had a sub today too! I think I might copy this for my sub folder 🙂

  6. October 3, 2009 5:26 pm

    i am dying laughing, as always when reading this!!!! *wipes tear away*
    btw i am reading this instead of doing
    my history project…. so if i fail, you know why!

  7. jesslovesjesus permalink*
    October 3, 2009 6:26 pm

    Heh, heh, heh, C. I know you’re totally ready! 😀

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