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Lattes with Jesus

August 3, 2010

Yesterday I sat down to pray and wrote the date at the top of my prayer journal:

August 2nd.

It hits me like a rock every year. Unexpectedly. Quietly.

I feel alone in my grief about this day.  One of the most painful aspects of grief is the isolation – no one else understands the depth of your loss or why you feel the loss so deeply.

August 2nd is my mother’s birthday.  I have not seen my mom in almost five years, though every few months she breaks into my house and leaves me a little present.  Sometimes she prints out a misspelled word on a label maker and leaves the word by the front door, other times she crams a book from my childhood on my shelf with a new dedication on the front page.

These “gifts” are stark greetings to me from her fragile mind that remind me why I cannot allow her to be around my family.

But every year I am sad on August 2nd. Her birthday reminds me that I still want a mother. I need a mother right now. Today.  I feel a deep longing for a wise, older woman who loves me unconditionally .

I am adrift with the stress of trying to manage my life.  I am unsure that I am doing it well. I long for a mother to come over with a couple of lattes, sit on my couch with me, and say, “Jess, this is working…” or simply, “Well done.”

I know that this deep ache for a mother can be met by my Jesus. He offers to wrap bloodied arms around me and whisper reassurance to me. He doesn’t leave me weird notes. He is safe every day of the year.

This pain – like all pain – drives me back to His feet.

And I become His daughter again.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. August 3, 2010 8:39 am

    *sigh* I’m nodding my head, handing you a virtual warm latte, and saying… oh girl, I soooo get it.

  2. August 3, 2010 10:22 am

    (((hugs))). I know I am not a mother, but I love you and I think you’re wonderful. Have another latte on me, and listen to Him tell you that too.

  3. August 3, 2010 9:38 pm

    I thought I would have lunch at my mom’s today. I work just down the street and thought it would be nice to pop in.
    When I got there at 12:30 she was still in bed. She got up to let me in, and sat with me on my lunch break. During that 45 minutes her and my 20-yr-old brother got into a screaming argument, she broke down in tears twice, and ended (as always) by asking to borrow $100.
    This post was beautiful and inspirational and reminds me not to get so blue about my earthly mother and any shortcomings but to focus on the blessings I do have (which are too many to count!)
    Thank you and I hope you had a wonderful day 🙂

  4. August 7, 2010 6:53 pm

    Hi Jess! I am so glad I came upon this post. You remember that I know EXACTLY how you feel. God has been working on me, and while I do feel that same longing, and wonder why I don’t have at least a mentor mom, I got some answers from him. I think you may be able to relate to this post I wrote about it.

    Please come by if you have a chance and read it. I still long for a mom. But at least I have a tiny bit of peace.

  5. Helky permalink
    August 21, 2010 6:06 pm

    I love you Jess. I love your heart.

  6. August 30, 2010 3:36 am

    This post is so honest and open I feel your pain and pray for you. My Mom died 5 years ago, she was only 55. I miss having her around, having a chat and a cup of tea. Jesus is our comfort in these times. I thank you for your openness and heart to serve, you are an inspiration and I hope you realise how much God really loves you, thank you so much for this it has helped me make a decision that I have been praying about for my blog. Love and peace to you sister. x

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