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Alone

September 2, 2010

Yesterday was the first day that I’ve been home during the day since school started.  My students were on a field trip; I got the day off.  Around 9:30am, Hugh came downstairs from his home office.

“Call 9-1-1,” he said, then slid to the floor next to our new IKEA bed.  The next few hours were spent in the ambulance, at the first hospital, getting initial tests, being transferred to the second hospital, and eventually told by my husband’s doctors that something is – indeed – wrong with his heart and they will keep him at the hospital until they figure it out.

I have felt a lot of things over the last twenty-four hours, but the overwhelming feeling that rises up and up in my gut is:  alone.  I feel alone.  I’m alone at the hospital and I’m alone telling my kids that Daddy is sick but will be okay and I’m alone in the bed and I’m alone this morning.

“I told you I’d come to the hospital,”said Amanda last night when I called her. But I didn’t want to bother her.  She’s really busy and in the middle of a crisis.  My friend Alley texted and called as soon as she heard that Hugh was sick.  “CALL ME.” But I haven’t called her lately and I don’t feel like I’ve earned the friendship.

I feel alone, too, because we are out of church.  For the first time in my sixteen years as a Christian, I am not part of a connected local body of Christ.  When Hugh is in the hospital and I’m crying and I’m scared, I’m realizing that the Body of Christ is for days like this – not just a place for me to serve and tithe.

Today I will spend the day at the hospital.  I will be brave with Hugh.  When he says, “how are you?”, I will say, “fine” because I don’t know how else to answer him right now.  I’ll reach out and hold his hand through the mess of wires monitoring his heart.

In that moment, I’m not alone.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. Julie permalink
    September 2, 2010 6:28 am

    Jess,

    I have followed your blog for years and read silently.

    Im so sorry that you are feeling alone. So sad you are not part of a church right now, but I can relate to all the reasons you may not be, as I have gone years in the past without being in a church.

    Thankfully you are part of the greater church, the one that spans the world and joins people when they are needing a friend, I will pray for you, and for your husband.

    I, reading your story, am very thankful to God that you were home on the one day you needed to be. God is with you, Jess.

    Praying for all of you in Ontario, Canada.

    Julie

  2. Laura permalink
    September 2, 2010 7:24 am

    Jess, don’t you DARE do this alone. I just learned this exact lesson. You know the bible says it’s not good for one to be alone. Let amanda help as much as she can, let Alley be there for you. You’ll be surprised how you’ll feel. It’s good to accept love. Please! I’ll be lifting all of you up in prayer.

  3. Rainbow Brite permalink
    September 2, 2010 7:47 am

    i do the same thing. i don’t call on my friends in a time of need because i don’t want to bother them. i never feel like i am important enough to bother them with my miserable little problems. when they hear of the crisis or whatever it was later, i hear the hurt in their voices when they ask, “why didn’t you tell me?” or “i wish i knew so that i could have helped you.”

    please, please, please, jess. allow those who love you to pour out to you. you won’t regret it.

  4. September 2, 2010 7:57 am

    oh, jess. i prayed for your family before i even started to post. i’m still praying for you all. for you to be strong, but not to feel like you are or have to be alone. for your friends to love you the way you need to be loved through this, and for you to be able to accept it. for you to know that Jesus is walking every step beside you, holding your hand. for hugh to be home soon, capable and healthy- whether through medicine or amazing healing. that your children aren’t afraid. for grace for all of you.

    keep us posted, please.

  5. September 2, 2010 8:26 am

    You are not alone, the body of Christ hears your call. Take the hands of those around you and know that God is with you. I have recently learnt that Jesus speaks through all people and He will guide the ones you need to you. Be strong sister in His love. You are in my Prayers.
    Love, peace and prayer for you. Lisa. x

  6. Alicia permalink
    September 2, 2010 10:49 am

    Jess,

    Praying for you and Hugh…and your family…God is with you, you know that even though you feel alone. Praying you will soon find a church God is leading you to. Please call your friends that are there, allow them to share this burden with you. God put them in your life for a purpose and it will do them good to know you need them! (((HUGS))) and prayers!

  7. Solveig Engh permalink
    September 2, 2010 1:02 pm

    Yes, I’m also grateful you were home that day. But I must tell you, friendship is never earned (Alley). It’s a gift. And there’s a good chance you know a body of believers who would stand with you. But I primarily want to tell you I’ll be praying, too–not just for you but for Hugh–and I trust you already feel the sustaining prayers of those who’ve read this post.

  8. September 2, 2010 2:09 pm

    I’m lifting you and your family up in prayer. I’m so sorry you feel so alone. . . that’s a terrible place to be 😦
    Let your friends be there for you. Friendship isn’t something earned, but something given 🙂
    Lots of love an hugs sent your way from Texas!

  9. Jenny permalink
    September 3, 2010 6:58 am

    Dear Jess,

    Like Julie, I’ve also followed your blog for a while and read silently. But this morning, out of compassion for all you and Hugh are going through, I felt compelled to drop you a note. As I read your post, this scripture played through my mind…

    “Do not fear for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

    Though you may feel alone and your circumstances and Satan may scream that you are alone, the truth is you are not. God is with you and he will hold you up and strengthen you as you walk this uncertain and scary path.

    Praying for you…

    Grace and Peace,

    Jenny

  10. September 3, 2010 8:18 am

    aw, Jess. what a rough, rough, rough time. praying for the peace that passes understanding.

  11. September 3, 2010 8:47 pm

    Oh, Jess. I am so, so sorry. I love both of you, and I’m praying. (((HUGS)))

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