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Pillow Talk

May 10, 2011

One of my favorite blogs to read is the Nester ( She spoke at SheSpeaks a few years ago and was so very real – it immediately drew me to her writing. Her blog is all about creating a beautiful home. I usually kick piles of crap off my un-beautiful bed and try not to smell the dog oder that permeates my sheets, then I settle in for a few of Nester’s “make your home cute like this” posts.

Today someone linked on her blog to this Christian Decorating catalog. I clicked. I perused cute pillows I could buy for forty bucks that told me I was blessed. I looked at several dish sets designed with scripture. I read about fun watercolors depicting encouraging verses and nice scenery.

Then I felt like throwing up. Seriously. I almost threw up. I had a “I’m-so-mad-and-sad-that-vomit-is-about-to-spew-out-of-me” moment.

Instead of throwing up, I’d thought I’d tackle a blog post with my thoughts.

My main vomit-thought is this:

How do I reconcile cute pillows with Bible verses on them with the messy, messy reality of my spiritual life?

I just can’t.

I remember being a young bride, full of hopes for my future, full of Jesus, spending hours a day in prayer and Bible study while my young son napped.

Oh, life was good.

I would have bought the Bible verse pillows in a second, had I known about them.

Now I sit in a messy bedroom, struggling each day not to enter further into the darkness that sweeps over my soul. My health has failed me. My career is destroyed. My family struggles to find a new-normal as we deal with the ramifications of my chronic illness and my loss of employment.

I don’t want a pillow. I kinda resent the fact that they even exist.

I need something real. Something – not a pillow – to hold onto right now. I need Christ to come in and rebuild my life. I have doubts that He can. I struggle to speak to Him, alternating between “I love you” and “I don’t know why You’re allowing me to be in this pain.”

My life with Christ can’t be summed up by pretty platitudes anymore. I don’t want a vase with a verse. I want to radically experience Christ right in the middle of the most difficult time in my life.

Jesus, are you really there? Do you really understand? Please help me not throw up, but throw myself at your feet.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Solveig Engh permalink
    May 10, 2011 8:12 pm

    Yes, He’s real, and yes, He can rebuild your life. Even when you’re in this “mess.” I know that doesn’t seem possible, I know it seems like a platitude when I say it, and I admit I can’t foresee or imagine how He’ll bring it about. Nevertheless, He can and He will. Because He’s God. You might be really angry with Him, but He understands and He’s not at all angry with you. And He’ll help you deal with pain because He loves you with an everlasting love. Blessings.

  2. Tara permalink
    May 11, 2011 1:28 pm

    I can understand…things like those pillows make me nauseous too. After you’ve been through a lot of hell, it’s hard to stomach any fluffy Christianity!

  3. May 12, 2011 10:37 am

    Praying for you Jess……(((HUGS)))

  4. Lynne McCleery permalink
    May 15, 2011 11:16 am

    You’re right where you need to be, Jess. He has not or will never leave you.

  5. May 22, 2011 6:30 pm

    Praying for you today Jess!

  6. Helky permalink
    May 23, 2011 5:06 pm

    Jessy, just want to let you know that there is this tiny little church in Poland that is praying for you. Ev, Rhonda, Josh, Paige, Aaron, Brittany, Ola, Ignacy, Jeff, Gosia, Asia, Ania, Wojtek, Brian, Marysia, Patrycja, Kasia, Justyna, Monika and me Helka. You are in God’s hands. I can’t imagine what you are going through and if my post will make you feel better, just know… that you have a family in Christ that is praying for you. Love you!

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