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Renewed

February 4, 2012

Hugh asked me last night if I wanted to renew my blog domain name.

“I guess so, ” I said, rolling over, continuing to play with my iPad.

I gave up writing a few years ago when a few people stalked my blog and caused harm to my family. Some people encouraged me to keep writing…but, really, what was the point? My writing brought pain. My vulnerability led to loss.

Now my “writing life” seems so far away. I went out to dinner last night with some friends and I brought a copy of an article I’d written to show Cathy.

“You…write?” said Kim, as she delicately ate her Vegetable Tempura.

“Nooooo way,” laughed Kathleen.

“Now, Jess, this is actually good,” Cathy exclaimed as she scanned my words.

Funny.

They know me as Only Jess. Funny Jess, Married Jess, Mommy Jess, and Friend Jess. That’s it.

Those things aren’t enough for me. Maybe they should be. I grew up thinking that marriage and children and church would fill my days and purpose.

But I miss having this whole other life. This life where I thought deep thoughts and did things with tangible results.

Writing saved me in a way nothing else ever did. I felt God’s pleasure when I wrote His words and I felt His presence each morning as I drank cold coffee and pounded out posts.

Now I spend days loving my family, playing on my iPad, and going out to dinner with my friends.

The last two years shattered me in many ways, and I am still grieving the loss of my writing.

This loss – among many, many others – drove me to question God’s sovereignty and His goodness. If He is good, then why?

The question of the ages: If He is good, why am I hurting?

I don’t read my Bible very much these days, but last night I was thinking about one of my favorite verses. It’s in Hosea:

Come.

Let us return.

He will wound us.

But He will heal us.

And He will come to us like the rain.

So this morning I sat in my dusty office, filled with old writing books and a cold cup of coffee, and I thought – just for a moment – about this truth.

He wounded me.

But He is healing me.

If I once felt His purpose in my writing, then maybe this morning I can write a few words on my freshly renewed blog. I can drink my cold coffee and breathe in His pleasure once again.

And He will come to me.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. Valerie at Home permalink
    February 4, 2012 8:01 am

    So glad to see you back!

    My Bible study lesson this week was over chapter 13 and an unproductive fig tree that the master wanted to cut down, but the gardener said to wait and he’d dig around it and fertilize it. It occured to me that it doesn’t sound like a pleasant process. First our environment is torn up and thrown into chaos, then we get someone else’s crap poured all over us. Yet all that upheaval and pain and “fertilizer” we had to go through, gives us exactly what we needed to bear fruit.

    Keep up the writing, Jess. Keep bearing fruit.

  2. Rainbow Brite permalink
    February 4, 2012 8:55 am

    Welcome back! We missed you!

  3. February 4, 2012 9:13 am

    Jess, I know exactly what you are talking about.
    Sometimes I feel Like if I don’t process my life through writing, it didn’t really happen.
    I am really really mad at those people that made you stop blogging. (Still, after all this time.)
    But I am so, so grateful that the Lord brought you through these past two years, and that you not only survived, but came out the other side a stronger person and even better writer,

  4. Monica permalink
    February 4, 2012 9:17 am

    I’m so glad you’re back to writing, Mrs. H, and I hope you stick with it – I’ve missed reading your insights. ❤

  5. February 4, 2012 9:19 am

    Sorry, my phone made me post when I wasn’t done yet.
    Bottom line, I love you!

  6. stephanie Renner permalink
    February 4, 2012 10:29 am

    so good to hear you again! xoxoxoxox

  7. February 4, 2012 10:50 am

    It’s good to see you take a step back into your blog. When I stopped following the 20 or so blogs that I was reading daily, I still checked yours once a week or two, just in case. Love that verse. Thanks for writing this morning. 🙂

  8. February 4, 2012 11:09 am

    So, so glad you’re back. You are truly one of the most gifted writers I have ever read, and I always come away moved or comforted or inspired or something. I pray for the healing and the rain to come. (((HUGS))). Love you.

  9. Solveig Engh permalink
    February 4, 2012 5:44 pm

    Welcome back. It was so good to hear from you. Also, I just have to mention that Hosea 6:1 is the virst verse the Lord made real to me–shortly after I came to Him. Your reference to it in this new beginning is special.

  10. Stan and Orlene permalink
    February 4, 2012 10:58 pm

    Good content-keep it up-read the current bush we sent
    Love Stan and Orlene

  11. Alicia permalink
    February 5, 2012 8:05 am

    Oh, Jess…what a beautiful blessing in my inbox this morning. As others have already said, Welcome back! We have missed you so much. I have thought of you many times and just breathed a prayer for you…..So good to hear from you, my friend!

  12. February 6, 2012 5:53 pm

    Oh, so good to see you back! I have checked your blog off & on for a few months. I’ve thought of you & prayed for you often. Thank you for being authentic and transparent. Look forward to all you have to share in the future!

  13. Laura Copenhaver permalink
    March 5, 2012 8:53 am

    Jess, welcome back. I have missed you! God brings you to my mind on a regular basis so I can lift you up in prayer.

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