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Are You My Mother?

February 11, 2012

Several years ago, I began the process of “divorcing” my mom.  After a crazy childhood and a tumultuous adult-child relationship with her, I could no longer have my mother in my life.

It was painful, but absolutely necessary.

Over the last six years, I’ve adjusted to life without a mother.  In many ways, it is a relief. Her daily drama consumed most of my energy.  As my grief ebbed, I found myself with more time to pour into work, friends, and my own family.

There are still times where I get a pang of sadness.  Holidays have hard moments. Watching my friends with their moms is often difficult.  When a good memory of my mother rises unexpectedly in my day, it momentarily takes my breath away.

I’ve sometimes tried to find surrogate mothers.  These are often bumbling attempts with unhealthy women that leave me embarrassed.

Yeah, really embarrassed.

I’m in the middle of one of these relationships right now.  Lately my friends have pointed out that – once again – I’m trying to find a mom.  Once again, I’ve found a woman with daily drama that consumes much of my energy.

When will I stop acting like I’m seven years old?  Anxious and timid and hoping to please her?  Hoping that everything won’t be so crazy?

And yet.

Somehow in my constant mess, God is weaving together the most intricate details of my healing.

One of my favorite writers spent this last week discussing the Mother heart of God.  She was joined by hundreds of other writers.  I’ve read their words, and I’ve cried.

God was in the Beginning.  God holds all things together. God is Father to me.

And God is Mother.

I’ve never – EVER – been alone.  I’m still being parented by the loving God who never leaves my side and teaches me how to live today.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. February 11, 2012 7:35 pm

    I read that blog post you reference a few days ago, and I found it beautiful. I’m glad it was comforting. Love you. May God, the perfect parent (Mother AND Father) bless you.

  2. February 12, 2012 10:06 pm

    When I saw the headline, I immediately thought, “You are not my mother, you are a snort!” I’m so glad that you know you’re never, and never have been, alone.

  3. Autumn(aka Lobster) permalink
    February 15, 2012 6:35 pm

    I love you Lobster! Your insight can blow my mind sometimes.

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