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The Next Right Thing

March 26, 2012

My writing is coming slower these last few days. Weird half-formed posts about my father start out in spurts:

If I could tell my mother about Mark I…

Why do I feel so exposed and naked when I talk to this man…

Soon I stop typing.

I look at my screen.

I burst into tears.

Then I distract myself with the usual enemies: food, internet surfing, isolation.

This situation feels too hard for me.

Another day passes and I resist the urge to numb completely and so I fully feel the ten thousand emotions that rise up in my gut.

I go to bed early these days. I’m exhausted by talking to Mark, thinking about Mark, replaying my conversations over and over about Mark.

Mark, Mark, Mark.

Dad.

I guess.

This post is a glimpse into my brain. I don’t think I’m making sense this morning. I feel like crying. I feel like crawling back into bed.

But so far I’ve gotten the kids out the door to school, made coffee, read the Bible, and I’m about to go meet Amy for prayer and counseling.

I’m doing the next right thing even though I’m a mess inside.

I know it will get better. It always does.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. tanajune permalink
    March 26, 2012 9:43 pm

    It will get better. Every step of the way, a little better, or a lot. Hang in there.

  2. Alicia permalink
    March 27, 2012 7:40 am

    Praying for you Jess…(((HUGS)))

  3. March 30, 2012 11:07 am

    I have been thinking alot about what I would do in your situation, and I still just can’t figure out what I would say to my mother. I keep on praying for you Jess, you are one amazing woman!

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