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Last Thursday I met Mark

April 11, 2012

I don’t know how to talk about meeting Mark and spending Easter with him and his family. I feel a lot of different emotions, and I’ve only just begun to process.

I want to be eloquent right now – it seems like the moment demands it. But all I am capable of is dumping out words.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t nervous when I met Mark. He walked out on his porch and I hugged him and I felt like I was seeing myself in a movie. I felt detached – like I was watching “Jess meets Mark on the Porch”.

The kids – especially the girls – were very excited to be at his house. Mark and his wife have a lot of pets so the girls played with the cats while the adults drank soda in the kitchen and talked about the drive and the weather.

Our conversation got intense at one point. All of a sudden Mark and I were talking about my childhood and I said it was hell and he was crying and coming to me and hugging me and I was crying and then pulling away and saying I don’t know how to let him hold me and Hugh was crying and….

Ugh.

I think that I should have left then. That was enough emotional intensity for one year, really. And I don’t know how I feel about MY FATHER hugging me and MY FATHER crying because of me and MY FATHER loving me.

But we still had three. more. days. of our visit.

Thankfully during our “crying hugging kitchen table chat” none of Mark’s other kids had come home from college yet so we actually had some time by ourselves. But once the other kids showed up it got a little loud and crazy and at one point I left the house and Mark thought I was never coming back and I almost didn’t.

Sigh.

This whole family/dad thing is really really really hard. I did not anticipate this when I called Mark last month. I wasn’t expecting to be catapulted on this crazy journey.

As difficult as it has been so far – I absolutely know that I would not undo it. It sucks, but it is oddly wonderful, too.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. tanajune permalink
    April 12, 2012 11:21 am

    I admire you for sticking through the weekend. I think you’ll look back when you’ve found some kind of normal and be glad you stayed- glad for you, for your kids, for your father. I’m glad it’s oddly wonderful. I can’t wait until it isn’t odd, just wonderful.

  2. April 13, 2012 10:38 am

    Yeah, what she said. 🙂

  3. Rainbow Brite permalink
    April 13, 2012 6:46 pm

    Hindsight is also a wonderful thing. It can also take a long time for it to become clear. I know that I am still waiting for hindsight to clear up a few things in my past, but I know that one day it will. Hindsight will do the same thing for you, too, one of these days. And, I love your final words here. I think that is exactly how we all feel about countless situations in life.

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