Not Published

I have written an insightful post on my prayer time in a cemetery this week. I sat in the grass and watched a family far away from me huddle around a grave. I wondered if my life had meaning. I thought about my priorities.

I have written about falling in love again with Hugh. I wrote about our second honeymoon of sorts- the kind of rich experience that happens because God is rebuilding my marriage. They are happy tears, I say. I have had enough of sad tears.

I have written about my fears as God takes me to a new place in Him. I wrote about Moses as he stood on the banks of the Red Sea and God moved in an amazing and powerful way in his life all because Moses extended his hand. God, I reflected, will move powerfully in my life if I stretch out my hand to Him and rely on Him alone.

I have written about my newfound love for the music of Ben Harper. I have never, ever, ever listened to any secular music since I became a Christian at fifteen. A quick glance through my iPod will show thousands of modern worship songs and…nothing else. So now Ben joins Chris Tomlin and Steve Fee and Rita Springer. “Walk away,” Ben croons at me.

I have written about my children. I thought about the ways I could describe my parenting advice to a new mom. The “count to three” twelve times technique that I seem to employ daily. Or the “buy a new parenting book every week because it’s hard to be confident as a mom” technique that also works well. How about the “just don’t talk to me right now” technique? How can I be a mother, I wailed on the page. God help me, I cried.

I have written about other things, too. Half completed thoughts fill my draft box. Half completed thoughts fill my head, too. This is a week of no conclusions, only living.

So tomorrow I’ll get up and pray and bring God all my half-thoughts and ask Him to fill in the gaps. Then I’ll put on Ben Harper as I get ready to go to church with the children I love. We’ll pass the cemetery on the way and I’ll squeeze Hugh’s hand as I realize how much I love him.

Maybe God is working on me unaware.