Hugh Else?

Reasons I Am in Love With Hugh:

1. My husband’s name is Hugh (oh!). When we were in college (before I knew him), he ran a campaign for student government and put signs saying “Hugh Else?” all over campus. I thought it was so cool and I put one up in my dorm room.

2. When I write Haikus on my blog, he leaves me a comment IN HAIKU FORM. Yeah!

3. He forgives me every time I overspend at Target - which, though less frequent, still happens. Sorry, Hugh - but those new Joy Grayson bags are so cute.

4. Hugh rubbed my back every night for an hour and a half while I was on bed rest with Lucy. It helped with the pain as he would, night after night, lovingly rub each inch of my back. Sometimes I would cry because it felt so good to have some relief.

5. Hugh calls me cute, funny names like “Pancake” and “Cutie Eyes”.

6. Hugh pays our taxes, mows our laws, and balances our budget. Having grown up without a dad, all of these things somehow still seem new to me. I had never seen a man take care of a family before but Hugh does every day. Sometimes when he mows the lawn, I sit in front of the window where he can’t see me and I watch him.

7. He drops everything if I need, really need, him.

8. Hugh is brilliant. He is the smartest person I have ever known and I love just being able to talk to him.

9. Hugh can make me laugh harder than anyone else.

10. Finally, I love Hugh because of how he loves me. I have never been so loved, so known, so taken care of, so intimate with anyone before Hugh. His acceptance and delight in me is overwhelming at times.

Thanks, Dawn, for the tag. My brain is seriously half-dead this morning from continued lack of sleep (MUST. KEEP. GETTING. UP.) - but I am glad I had a chance to reflect on the reasons why I love my man so much.

An Early Morning Haiku

The alarm ringing
I hate it with a passion
Why can’t I sleep more?

That’s It

“My dead heart now is beating,
My deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs.
Now I’m free, now I’m free.”

-Charlie Hall

I drove along the dark West Virginia roads, listening to the radio. My son had fallen asleep – his sweet head mashed against his backpack in the backseat. I had turned the rear view mirror so that I could see his little body whenever we drove under a light.

I was glad for the drive. Glad for the time away from my house, my computer, and my responsibilities. Glad for the silence.

The next radio show started. A story came on NPR about a young girl who had received a heart transplant at age eleven. She had been sick for a very long time up until she got her new heart, and now, at twenty, she was reflecting on the day she had her transplant surgery.

The interviewer asked her, “What do you remember about post-surgery?”

Sarah answered immediately.

“Oh my gosh. The first moment I came out of the, um, medicine that they put me on I remember feeling like I was drowning – I’m going to cry thinking about it because I hadn’t, you know, breathed that good for so long… (her voice breaks, she is crying) and all of a sudden I felt like I was drowning in air – It’s just..it was really cool.”

Her mother was interviewed next, describing what it was like the first time she felt Sarah’s warm feet. Her feet had been cold before her new heart – but now life pumped effectively through every inch of her small frame. Her mother cried, too.

The rest of the story talked about their relationship with Sarah’s heart donor family. A young boy was murdered and Sarah was the one given his heart. She talks about her guilt. She feels that she was given such a great gift that she must do really well all the time. She must be extraordinary and make them all proud.

The story concluded with the donor’s family talking about Sarah and her guilt. “She’s already made us proud. Just being alive – and that’s it” said the donor’s brother in a thick accent.

That’s it.

I started to cry as the story ended.

I remember what it was like to first drown in air when I had my new heart – given to me by an innocent victim. I know the heavy burden of feeling like I have to be extraordinary to show that I am worthy of such an incredible gift. I know the guilt of feeling like I don’t measure up - that the One who provided a way for me to live couldn’t possibly be proud of me.

I carry anxiety around like a blanket – wondering each day if God is unhappy with me. Maybe He thinks I am a terrible mom – inconsistent and angry. Maybe He is irritated at my tone as I talk to my husband. How I spend my money. How I spend my free time. Bigger anxieties, too. Major choices I’ve made – what if He isn’t pleased with me? What if I haven’t heard Him correctly?

But that is not the character of God. He doesn’t want me to cower in anxiety and fear. He is not a stern Father waiting for me with a long list of my mistakes. No, He wants me to approach His throne with total confidence by the blood of Jesus (Hebrews 4:16), with a new heart in His beloved Son. He wants me to come hungrily each morning, crying, “Lord, I love the house where you dwell, the place where your glory resides” (Psalm 26:8).

I want to approach God each day without this fear or anxiety. I want to say to Him, “God, I can not breathe without you – Fill me up.” Then I want to drown in Jesus, diving deeply into His Presence, knowing that He is waiting with open arms, saying,

“You’ve already made me proud. Just being alive –and that’s it.”

On The Road Again

“Many people say, ‘Who will show us better times?’
Let your face smile on us, Lord.
You have given me greater joy
than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine.
In peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe” (Psalm 4:6-8).

I guess you could say that it hasn’t been the best weekend.

My brother-in-law graduated from law school today. His parents are proud. All the grandparents are proud. Ashley, my brother-in-law’s very beautiful and well-dressed girlfriend - she’s proud, too.

“I think I’ll go up to Ohio for the ceremony.” I told Hugh on Friday afternoon. “Your parents want Jon-David to visit, so I’ll drive him up and stay for the weekend.”

Hugh agreed, though he was surprised at my spontaneity. I can still be spontaneous, I reassured my husband.

Jon-David and I set off early afternoon. It was an easy eight-hour trip, I had my iPod loaded with “This American Life”, and Jon-David had a big pile of books.

But.

Instead of arriving by midnight, I arrived in Ohio at 4am, tired but angry with myself. Why had I gotten lost so many times? Why was there so much traffic? What was up with the fog? Why was there so much construction in West Virginia?

Jon-David and I crashed into our beds at the Hampton Inn for a few hours before heading over to see my in-laws.

I woke up even more frustrated with myself. Not only had it taken me a really long time to get here, but now I had only had a few hours of sleep. So much for spontaneity - this was awful.

I told myself I made a mistake in coming. I should plan better, drive better, anticipate better.

On the way to the graduation ceremonies, I stopped at a Shell Gas Station to fill up. As soon as I started pumping gas, God spoke.

Right. There. At. The. Shell.

“Are you ready to give me control, Jess?” I felt the Holy Spirit ask.

“What do you mean, Lord?” I answered, holding the pump. “Control of what? I am a MESS. Everything has gone wrong on this trip so far. I feel like such a failure.”

God began to show me that all of the things that had happened over the last day were out of my control - fog, rain, wrong directions, getting woken up by my son. But if I can choose to trust Him when things are not going well, then I can start to learn how to let go of control.

I really want to do this. I don’t want to try to control my own life anymore. I want to trust Jesus more and be anxious less. I want to relax in the arms of my Father as He leads and guides.

As I stood there at the gas station, I felt as if God had brought me to this place - this little gas station in the middle of rural Ohio - just to show me this simple truth:

No matter what my circumstances look like, I can trust Him. And in trusting Him, I can start to find the blessings He is giving me in that moment: alone time with my son, a loving extended family, and a safe journey.

He did give me a safe journey, after all, this weekend. It did not look exactly how I wanted and there were some unexpected turns - but ultimately God brought me into a place where He was speaking and I was listening.

Lord, you are teaching me about surrender. My disastrous road trip has been a great lesson for me - I know I can trust you, God. No matter where I am, no matter what is going on - Lord, fill me with a new sense of peace as I look to you to guide my life each day. In the name of your Son, Amen.

…Today, Lord…

…For we who worship by the Spirit of God are the ones who are truly circumcised. We rely on what Christ Jesus has done for us. We put no confidence in human effort…(Phil. 3:3).”

Father, I have been putting confidence in myself. I am trying hard to measure up. I am working to control many parts of my life. Lord, I have forgotten that in You I live and move and have my being (Acts 17).

Precious God - come and fill me. I surrender to you. I acknowledge that everything I am - everything I am not -everything I do - everything I don’t do - Lord, it is all yours. Completely and totally.

I am tired today of trying to hold the pieces together myself. No more. I need YOU, Holy Spirit. This day. I need you to overflow in me with your living water.

I want to overflow on my husband.

I want to overflow on my children.

I want to overflow on my friends.

Everywhere I put my feet, everything I touch, every word I speak - I surrender to you this day.

I can trust you.

You are my confidence!

You are my Jesus!

I love you.

Time

“If you want to live securely in the land, follow my decrees and obey my regulations. Then the land will yield large crops, and you will eat your fill and live securely in it” (Leviticus 25:18-19).

I have been making some wrong choices lately. Actually, just one wrong choice. In the rush of deciding to go back to work, I have been slowly focusing on things other than God.

What should I wear when I go back to work? When should I stop volunteering for the church? Should we go on vacation? These questions propel me into a flurry of emails and decisions and another day slips by when I have not made time to simply sit before the Lord.

Yesterday I went to Panera to pray. I had two and a half hours to pray and I spent the first hour and a half online catching up on emails. (The internet has been down at our house, and getting online brought me tremendous excitement.)

Finally, though, I decided to open my Bible. Not surprisingly, my mind started to wander after just a few minutes. The familiar questions began to filter in again. What should I wear? How will I handle a job? Will I be enough for my husband and kids once I am teaching?

All of sudden, I realized what I was doing. I have not been passionately seeking His face and this dry, distracted Panera prayer time is the result.

It is so easy for me to slip back into old habits where I begin to believe that I don’t really need His Presence to sustain me every day. I start to believe that life is okay without time with God - and really, I don’t have the time anyway. Time for emails, yes. Time for television, yes. Even time for church volunteering, yes.

When I make time for other things in my life before making time for God, then those things become idols.

I woke up early this morning and got on my face before God. I set the timer for sixty minutes and told myself that this was my time with God and I would not allow myself to do anything else. I asked God to forgive me for not putting Him first. I surrendered again to His Lordship and authority in my life. I drank His Word in big, thirsty gulps. I prayed over some areas in my life that I needed to hear from Him about. Then, having entered the Holy of Holies, I worshiped.

Once in His Presence, he brought my perspective back into alignment. All of the things I have been filling my life with began to fade and seem so unimportant. My clothes don’t matter so much after all. My concerns about my job slipped back into the proper context.

I am once again at the feet of my Jesus, and that is all that matters.

Lord, I need you. Give me eyes to see the life and death that happens when I am not making time to sit in your Presence. I long for you today, Lord. Thank you for filling me up. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Jess The Fashionista

Tips To Building Your Dream Wardrobe (if you use my closet as a guide):

1. When putting together a wardrobe, keep in mind that you need many, many pairs of black pants. Black crops, black Bermuda shorts in stiff and relaxed cotton, black dress pants, black jeans, black sweat pants, and several pairs of black yoga pants. It doesn’t matter if you don’t do yoga – it is still good to have these black yoga pants because they go really well with:

2. Six to eight oversized, large, stained cotton t-shirts. Try not to get black because you already have so many black pants, but the key is LARGE. If you are wearing a shirt that is way too big, you will hide everything you hate about your body. Tell yourself that these shirts are trendy because they are in sort-of-trendy colors.

3. Make sure you have one nice outfit that you can wear to all the weddings you will go to in the summer. If your husband has a big family and his cousins keep getting married, it is important to have a nice black suit to wear to these important events. Change the shirt you wear underneath the suit for each wedding so that it looks like a new outfit each time.

4. When you go to the fun outlet mall and find a large blue sweater that is kind of cute but also makes you look like a weird puffy cloud woman, don’t hesitate – buy the sweater in every color. Don’t feel bad when eight months later you discover the pile of sweaters with the tags still on in the corner of your closet in a heap. At least you were trying to branch out with the idea of wearing a sweater, even if you never actually wore one.

5. Always keep at least one salmon colored maternity shirt with a DOG BITE IN THE SLEEVE for nights when you want to cozy up with your husband while eating Chinese food and watching BBC America news. Surely he thinks your shirt is cute, right? You’ve had it for five years. You love that shirt. Why would you consider wearing something remotely attractive around the house when it’s just the two of you? And the dog bite in the sleeve just gives it character.

6. It is important to have at least one warm coat in the South for those chilly winter months. A large red quilted coat is just the thing to throw on for cold mornings. Buy one with a grey hood to fit neatly over your wet ponytail.

7. One money-saving tip: wear your husband’s gym socks instead of buying socks for yourself. They are large, soft, and comfortable. They are white – and will go with your black pants/shorts/capris/Bermudas/sweats really well. Think of all the money you will save by not buying your own socks.

8. Make sure to check the Target clearance rack for potential finds. And buy the blue crop pants with the word “cheeky” on the butt - even if you think that you may never actually put them on. It’s good to have fun and crazy pieces in your wardrobe for those “want to have ‘cheeky’ in pink bubble letters on my behind” days.

9. Instead of investing in a really good pair of jeans, buy inexpensive jeans that don’t really fit right because you don’t want to try on a bunch of jeans in the dressing room because you’d rather be home in your salmon-colored dog bite maternity shirt eating wonton soup.

10. Finally, a great tip to building your dream wardrobe is to walk into your closet, throw everything in a black hefty bag, and announce to your husband that you cannot live one more day in clothes that don’t fit. He will take a great deal of pity on you and tell you to go shopping. Watch a few episodes of “What Not to Wear”, realize you dress even more poorly than every person featured on the show, then get your cheeky self to a mall. Buy just a few clothes. But buy clothes that actually look decent. Keep the dog shirt for sentimental reasons but vow not to put it on anymore.

Three Months To Practice. Starting Tomorrow.

It is 8:24 pm.

My husband has unpacked every sandy piece of luggage, and I am lying in bed trying to watch TLC.

But I can’t focus because something horrible is about to happen - something that has not happened in several years.

Oh my. I’m breaking out in a sweat just writing out the words.

…

I have (GASP) given myself a bedtime.

No more staying up until after midnight reading and writing and catching up on emails.

NO MORE.

No more cleaning the house, picking up toys, and flipping through magazines while the house is quiet.

NO MORE.

If I am truly going to have a job again, then I will truly have to be able to get up early.

Every morning.

“Jess,” Hugh told me sternly over coffee this week, “you need time to practice getting up early before you start teaching.”

“No problem!” I said, thinking that mid-August would be a great time to start practicing my new bedtime/getting up routine.

Um, Hugh meant tomorrow. Apparently he thinks that this will be a shock to my system. Apparently he thinks I need to get dressed in non-sweats and make-up every day to get prepared for teaching.

Darn it. He’s right.

So, I am setting an alarm. And it’s early. I will probably be extremely grumpy tomorrow as I adjust to my new schedule.

But I will be in make-up!

So, if you see me at Target, please tell me I look cute. Actually, tell me to get out of Target because I have NO MONEY LEFT to spend in Target for the month because I spent all my money on a new Kate Spade planner that matches my bag.

Good Night.